July 2012
It is 2 years since I have written in My Journal because I have been so overwhelmed by the loss of my dear Bob. So I will try to begin again:
After coming home from California, as usual in the spring; I had been concerned because Bob had never had a colonoscopy. I encouraged him to go to the V. A. and get it. He had been in perfect health, except for a bout with prostate cancer; which he had been operated on for and received a complete cure. It was just the time to make sure he was fine in every way. On June 7, 2007, after a routine colonoscopy at the V.A. We were told that my dear husband had a growth in his colon, and that it may have metastasized! Meaning there were a few tiny spots on his liver. Of course they recommended chemotherapy. The Doctor said he could have at least 5 years. We were devastated to say the least! He had always been so healthy, vibrant and happy!
It hurt so very much! I cried and cried, that it wasn't fair! The support I had from my dear family helped me bear it.; but it still broke my heart! My poor husband was also hurt, of course! Ironically, however - it was HE, who helped me to realize that we must accept God's will.! He repeated over and over that God had given him such a wonderful, loving and adventurous 22 years with me ; and that he was grateful: to God . He told me that I should be, as well! He was right of course! We both had felt, after our first failed marriages, that we did not and could not expect such happiness in our respective lives!
Soon the torturous treatments began and he and I traveled bi-weekly to the Indianapolis V.A. where they hoped to at least to stop the cancer from progressing. The treatments were very hard on my dear man! He had some pretty fair days but for the most part he suffered greatly. The side effects of the chemotherapy were very bad. He suffered with nausea and bowel problems constantly. He had neuropathy in his feet and legs and it continued for the whole time. Worst of all for him was the fact that he was unable to be active and helpful to me in our home. He loved it so very much! It was always his dream to have a farm, and he was not able to realize it until we were married.
We were told he would have 8 more treatments. The Doctors told us in May that he could expect only a few more month of life, if he did not have them. They said the cancer was reducing very slowly! We prayed that the cancer would continue to be slow growing, as in the past 2 years. I thank God that he is not in any actual pain from the cancer itself. Just the effects of the treatments, it seems. That's one of the reasons: I cannot accept the fact that he is going to leave me! It's so very hard!
A miracle did occur from his illness; because his son Robert, was contacted by my dear son, Gene. They, Bob and his son Robert, were actually able to reconcile after 25 years of no contact at all! Thanks to Gene! We had tried many times to find him on the internet , but with no luck; but with no luck. When Gene pursued it- he was successful! It meant everything to my dear husband when they got together and resolved their issues! Afterwards, his son visited us several times. Unfortunately we were never able to meet his wife and 2 beautiful granddaughters. We saw pictures.
Later when Bob died, I found out why. His son didn't want to explain to his little children that they had a living Grampa!For that reason - he never attended his Dad's funeral! So sad! It is what can happen , when people are too proud to forgive! Bob also had a daughter, Laura Ann. She and her husband and 4 children live in New York. She is unwilling to reconcile or even talk to her father. I promised Bob - I would continue to pray for her. Remembering, "we can do all things with God who strengthens us".
NINETEEN C. Loss
June 26th is the day my dear Bob went to be with Jesus!
The night before, my dear daughter, Sherri had stayed overnight because the last few night were getting very difficult for me, Bob was sleeping 22 hours a day and Hospice had been telling me -he was close to death! They had been giving care for a few hours a day and just moved him to a Hospital bed, in our room. I feared that he would die and I would panic if I were alone.
That morning it was comforting to have Sherri sleeping on the couch. Soon my dear daughter in-law Cathy, came also. She had been a great help to me, caring for Bob , in the last week!
I was exhausted because I couldn't sleep much in those last days. I was afraid to go from his side after he was moved to the hospital bed; in case he needed or wanted me! After the Hospice nurse and Bob was made a little more comfortable; he seemed to settle down. He had been very restless and breathing strangely all night.
I had been told many times by the nurses and Doctors that I should tell him he could die if he chose to. That he was only staying here for me! Up to now, I never could speak of death to him! I never would believe it myself! Anyway, I went to him and; told him again and again "I love you"!. This time he was able to barely say it back and he tried very hard and then -he did! I remember that we always used to bicker, saying "I will be the last one to say I love you". Ha! Then I told him - if he needed to go and be with Jesus-it was ok and that I would miss him dearly, but that I would be alright. We both cried, I saw his tears, and kissed.him.
After awhile, I said I had to go lie down on our bed, for a moment. I shut our door and laid down in our bed, It seemed I had just began to doze when the girls(Cathy and Sherri) came rushing in! I angrily said"why are you opening the door"? Because I had for the first time felt like I could doze off! They tearfully cried out "Oh Mom". I went to him then and he was gone.At that moment, I felt my life went with him!!
Perhaps, you are wondering why I am relating all this misery? I think it is a cathartic thing for me and will help me to GO ON! In addition, perhaps you will all get to know me better. It just seems an important part of who I am . Does that make sense?.
June 25, 2009 NINETEENTH ENTRY. B. Continued illness
The last two years has been very hard on Bob and I. Living with his illness hasn't been easy- especially for him, of course. He has always been an active, dependable man, as you all know! The side effects of the chemotherapy have been very bad. He has suffered with nausea and bowel problems, most of the time. The neuropathy in his legs and feet, has continued throughout and has been painful and debilitating. Worst of all for him, was the fact that he was unable to be active and helpful to me; in our home, that he loves so much! It was always his dream - to have a farm, and we did!
He is currently in the midst of 8 more treatments. The Doctors told us in May that he could expect only a few more months of life- if he did not have more chemotherapy. We are praying that the cancer will continue to be slow growing, as in the past 2 years. Thank God, so far, he has had very little actual pain from the cancer itself . Just the effects of the treatments! That's one of the reasons - I cannot accept the idea that he is going to leave me! It's so very hard!!
A miracle did occur from his illness; because his son Robert, was contacted by my dear son, Gene. They- Bob and his son Robert, were actually able to reconcile after 25 years of no contact at all.! Thanks to Gene!
We tried many times to find him on the internet but with no luck; but when Gene pursued it - he was successful! I know how much it meant to my dear Bob! After Gene talked with the son, Bob's son visited us several times. So far we have been unable to meet Robert's wife and the 2 beautiful granddaughters. Bob wanted so much to see his grandchildren, but it was not to be! Bob's daughter, Laura Ann, is unwilling to reconcile or even talk to her father, We are continuing to pray for that! Remembering, "we can do all things with God who strengthens us."
MARCH 2010 More of B..
I will finally get back to writing and thankfully, now I have the computer to transfer it to. It should be so much easier. A lot has happened as usual:
The good thing is I still have "My Bob". God has given us more time together! The cancer, although it is still progressing is not too painful, in itself. At least, that is what he tells me! The discomfort from the neuropathy, and low energy and constant arm and shoulder pain are bad; but he remains a great partner and husband. I love him more each day.!
We have had to move out of our lovely home in the country and are in a small senior duplex. Without my dear husband's help, I was unable to maintain or keep up the farmhouse and land. We are now close to family and stores and at this stage of life- it is all we can do. We miss our beautiful home very much; especially the flowers and trees! All of the family are so good to us. Gene, Cathy and family are close by and Gene helps us with everything. As well as my Laura - who is now close by as well. Another answered prayer!. Sherri and Tim are not as close but are still there when I need them as well as all my wonderful grandchildren.
They are all special to us! We are blessed!
April 16, 2010 B continued
Since my dear man's illness and our move to Bradley, Bob and I are spending our days together as usual, We travel back and forth monthly to the VA in Indianapolis for his Doctor visits and treatments. The trips are getting more difficult each time. For the most part we are content just to be together. It is not always easy, especially since he fell at Easter. We were celebrating the holy day with Sherri and Tim and all of the family. He has recently been having osteo problems with his elbow, and has been in a great deal of pain. His arm was fractured in that fall!
Today we found that the cancer has traveled to the bone; and that is why it fractured so easily. This will mean radiation and more misery for the poor man! It is getting very difficult to watch him suffering and now I can barely touch him because he hurts all over.
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