At this point, I am confused about where I left off. Since Bob's death, June 26, 2010; I found that I was unable to write anymore of my memoirs. I thought I had written at some point several months ago, that I was planning to start very soon; since I cannot find that entry- I will begin again.:
I have been putting this off since I felt that I couldn't bear to be occupied- almost like it would be too pleasurable and I don't deserve that. Also, it brings back a lot of heartache, with which I am still struggling !
About a year ago, I finally got myself to a Grief Support meeting because I was so depressed and lonely for my partner. Crying too much and not wanting to even be around people. I knew if I wanted to live - I had to push myself and at 81 years old with already a heart history; I couldn't just be a couch potato. Ha.
At first, I just cried a lot and listened to the sad stories of others who had lost loved ones. I even quit going, after a few times, giving myself all kinds of excuses. Anyway, the people there, are now my friends, and help me continually as I hope I do them. I still have a difficult time, especially at night and I think terrible, selfish thoughts of -' I held my dear when he was dying but he will not be there for me."
I even find myself getting angry - with whom, I cannot say.
However, I am getting better - I feel comforted by the thought that Bob is with Jesus and really not far from me - just in the next room, waiting for me along with my son Jimmy and all our loved ones.
My plan is to write every other morning for an hour because, I would get started and not even stop to live and to eat. Ha. Lots to say, I guess!
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I have decided to interrupt the Chronological order of my memoirs; to tell about the most amazing and satisfying part of my life. My life with Bob.
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